Dear Nice People,

Where are you?!?!

It seems like I encounter many more rude, inconsiderate, selfish, awful, and mean people than I do nice, kind, and genuine people.  I hate this.  I may not be the nicest of people all the time, but I do try my best to make people feel comfortable, to make friends, to help where needed, and just be the best possible person that I can be. 

On a daily basis I will answer the phone at work and be greeted with a sarcastic, impatient, and down right grumpy client of ours.  This bothers me beyond belief because we are working our butts off for them and they (not all of our clients of course) cannot even show the slightest of appreciation – until they have their money in their hands that is.  You would not believe how many of our clients are just solely money hungry.  Yes, the were injured in an accident or we wouldn’t be representing them, but most of them will be just fine, yet still think they deserve thousands and thousands of dollars.

I think I’ll get off my soap box now and talk about something else.

I was searching for someones blog that I used to visit regularly and came across “Adventures of an Island Mom.”  I absolutely love her blog and I think everyone should visit it.  With the way the economy is today, everyone could benefit from some great money saving tips, cheap recipes, gardening stories and tips, and MORE!  She also talks about her children and her family as a whole a lot too which is really nice.  It was so refreshing to come across her blog because instead of being filled with non-sense like so many other blogs, it was filled with information and ideas to benefit others, which was so kind of her to share with us.

I’ve been stressing about what my future holds for me a lot lately and I’m really hoping to find peace in something  that can help me to remember that “what is meant to be will find a way” and that God has a plan for me and knows what he is doing with my life and what my purpose it.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, “I used everything you gave me.”

~ Erma Bombeck~

Until next time….

Libby

P.S. If you haven’t already checked out allrecipes.com you NEED to! It is a wonderful website filled with the best recipes around.  Here’s a recipe I just found that looks delicious! Try it out and tell me what you think!

 http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Easy-Pasta-Casserole/Detail.aspx?strb=1

Without You

Without You

What it would be like without is something I never want to experience. What I would be without you is a person I never want to me. Without you my phone wouldn’t ring at 7:42 like it has every workday of the week for the past three years one month and sixteen days. Losing you wouldn’t be just losing you because my heart would go too. My sunshine would be gone, my best friend would be gone, and my dreams for us would be shattered. You are my “other half,” we are a team and without you I’d be left to take on this world solo. Times have been tough and times will be tough, but what matters the most is that times have been great and times will be great. If you’ve taught me anything it is that life isn’t fair and it certainly isn’t easy either. I am prepared to face what the world has to throw at us, but I don’t want to have to do it by myself. I want you by my side to pick me up when I’m down, to protect me like you always have, and to care for me endlessly like I do for you. I will always stand by your side, I will always be your “rock”, I will always push you to accomplish your dreams, and most importantly, I will always hold your heart with everything I’ve got; in my possession your heart will be well taken care of. Without you each day would be hard to get through, each night would be hard to endure, and each and everyday that passed in this town would be a reminder of us and all that we’ve accomplished and endured together. I don’t want any second, minute, hour or day without you in my life. I don’t want you gone, I want you here.

 I may not always show it like I should, but I love you like no other. I cherish our relationship more than just about everything else. You are so fantastic, handsome, intelligent, gentle, kind, loving, hard working, caring, helpful, thoughtful, and perfect to me. I will love you till the end of time, and I say that whole-heartedly.

Love always and forever, and ever, and ever, and ever,

Libby

Dear “New” Sense of Self,

When people used to say “they’ve lost their sense of self” or that they “have no sense of self” I would get confused, I mean you are yourself right? So how could you possibly lose that?

For the longest time I was involved in sports, from the time I was 2 until I hit age 14 for that matter, I was actively involved in one sport or another.  When we made the move from New Hampshire to Georgia it all stopped, because of me of course.  My parents wanted me to continue swimming and playing soccer but I just didn’t have the drive anymore.  Besides the usual chasing after kids and the occasional walk, for the first 3 years of us living in Georgia I was completely inactive.  I made the decision 2 months before the summer of 2008 that I needed to start doing something.  I was by no means fat, I have actually never been over weight, but I was just starting to feel not comfortable with myself.  It is hard feeling that way because no one understands you.  Everyone would tell me “well your not over weight and you look great, so why would you want to go work out?”  Well I’ve now realized, a little over 1 year later, that it was because I wanted to find my sense of self. 

I was driving home from Golds Gym this morning and I got to thinking about just how great I feel.  It was not the “I’ve finally lost 10 pounds” great feeling or the “I’ve finally found something to keep me occupied” great feeling because I do not even think I’ve lost weight – I’ve just seriously toned up- and I didn’t start working out because I was bored- but it was more of a “I feel energized and powerful and more like my true self than I have in a long time” great feeling.  And I am very thankful that I owe all the thanks to myself.  No one told me I needed to go to the gym, I told myself.  I made the commitment to myself that working out was what I was going to start doing, and I did it. 

I hope that at one point or another that everyone realizes that there is something out there that they can do to help themselves and to do for themselves.  It doesn’t have to be working out, but I do highly reccommed it to anyone who’s willing to work hard at something.  Exercising is invigorating.  So is shopping but…. it can get very expensive =]

I think that today was the perfect day to have this realization – I will be graduating from high school in 7 days (May 30th) and I could not be more happy – and sad – about it.  Knowing that I have a reason to be happy with myself and proud of myself makes this all the better.

Best of luck to all those people out there who are struggling with their sense of self. Don’t give up, just keep looking!

-L

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was.  I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory.  I was naïve.  I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer.  It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with:  that I am nobody but myself.  ~Ralph Ellison, “Battle Royal”

Dear I am Thankful For You,

I am a very appreciative person but I’ve recently come to the realization that I may not show it or say it enough.  I think it is important that the things and the people I am thankful for know.

• My mom – she is beautiful, stylish, driven, responsible, loving, caring and basically just the most amazing person I know.
• My dad – he is brave, smart, hard-working, humorous and basically just the best dad in the world.
• The fact that my parents are still together.  It seems like everyone I knows parents are divorced. I am SO thankful that my parents are strong enough to work through their problems.
• My two sisters.  I truly believe that no one made out as good as I did when it comes to sisters.  They are so great.
• My job.  Sometimes it is boring and sometimes it is very hard but nonetheless I am very thankful that I actually have a job when so many other people do not.
• The family I babysit for.  Cameron age 3 & Laney age 1 are the best little people I know.  Going a week without seeing them is pure torture.  Seeing them results in instant happiness.  Their laughs are infectious and their smiles are heart warming.  I love them as if they were my own.
• Good food.  I am an Italian food lover and I am so thankful to have all the options that I have when it comes to food.
• My boyfriend.  LIfe without him would be like no life at all.  The (just about) three years that we have been together have taught me so much and made me an even better person than I was going in.  He is so sweet, kind, caring, handsome, wonderful, hard working, and nearly perfect.  He is, without a doubt, my sunshine.
• Clothes.  I love clothes and fashion.  I am so thankful for all the clothes I have.

I am thankful for so many things, certainly too many things to type out on here.  I think I’ve got all the important ones down, and even some not-so-important ones too, but regardless, I am so blessed with the things that have been given to me and/or brought into my life. 

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

Dear Scatter-brained,

I hate to come here every time I have a problem.  I don’t want this blog to be about all the hard times but rather more about the entirety of my life; the good, the bad, the happy, the sad etc.  ‘

Right now my current mood is set to frazzled.  I’ve chosen frazzled as the word because I emotionally feel like such a mess but mentally I know things are fine, or going to be fine anyway.  I’ve recently come to the realization that I’ve lost my independence.  I never thought I’d be the girl who “couldn’t live without her boyfriend.”  Well I suppose crazier things have happend.

Today it has been 1,089 that me and Mac have been together – we are 6 days away from 1,095 which equals 3 years.

To me it seems simple, when a couple has been together for 3 years there should be no secrets, no lying, no hiding, and certainly no fronting.  By 3 years it should be obvious that the relationship is at a different level than that of a relationship that is only 6 months in.  So you’re wondering what’s going on right?

Today I was looking on some friends of mines facebooks.  Something I do often when working seems impossible.  Well bam, out of no where there is a picture of my boyfriend with some random girl and a couple of his friends (that I do know) in the background.  I immediately freak out.  I know that being 3 years into our relationship I should not be insecure.  It’s not like he’s ever cheated on me or given me a reason to think that he has but I can’t help the feeling that he is a precious crystal figurine and that someone is going to take him away from me.  What an annoying feeling that is.  So I call him and ask when and where it was taken and who the girl is and all that.  Sure enough, he gave me a legitimate explanation with several alibis and everything turned out to be fine. 

What bothers me the most is that I get this feeling in my throat and chest whenever I jump to these conclusions.  My heart starts to race, my eyes start to water, my hands start to shake, and then it’s all down hill from there.  I just want to be able to know that everything is okay.  I want to be at peace with my mind, and my nevers.  Oh yeah, and my anxiety too.   I know I need to accept the fact that everything will work out fine in the end and that what’s meant to be will find a way, but it just doesn’t always seem that easy.

Well on a happier note:  I graduate in 12 days, I go to the beach in 17 days, my older sister is coming down from New Hampshire in about 9 days, and the summer is finally here! Thank goodness!

Life is great – I just need to embrace it.

 

.perfection.

- L

What a weekend! For once… I’m happy it’s Monday

It comes as no surprise to me, and it shouldn’t to you either, that I have not had a chance to update my blog since my last entry.  I think I know what the problem is though.  Or more like I’ve narrowed it down to these explanations of why I’m so busy:

• School three days a week – Monday, Wednesday, Friday – from 8am – 11am
• Work five days a week – Monday, Wednesday, Friday from 11-5 – Tuesday, Thursday from 8-1
• Babysitting – Tuesday’s from 1:30- 6ish & Thursdays from 5-10:30ish
• Mac’s softball games – Tuesdays from 7-8:30
• Organized dinners on Wednesday nights
• Gym- Monday nights from 5-6:45 p.m. – Tuesdays & Thursdays from 5:45-7 a.m. – Saturdays from 9:30-10:45
• And boyfriend, extra babysitting, school work, and sleep take up the very few hours that are left

As you can see, I’m a very busy person.  I would not have it any other way though.  I just hate the feeling of being bogged down that comes on every once and awhile.

What I’m getting at…..

My weekends for the past couple months have been pretty fantastic, I honestly cannot complain.  So I guess it is only logically that one weekend soon would not be equally as fantastic has the past ones.  Well it was this past weekend that was just absolutely unappetizing.  Correction: Sunday was awful

I have many “things.”  There are things I don’t like, things I do like, things that are annoying to me, things that are stupid to me, things that just plain out bother me, and etc.  Well my “thing” of the weekend is this:  I do not like ignorant and stubborn old people, or I do not like them when they are being ignorant and stubborn anyway.  On Sunday we had to move Macs mom (AGAIN) from her house that she was renting (BACK) to Macs sisters.  Going into the situation we thought it would be a pretty harmless and seemingly easy day. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!  I am not joking when I say that me, Mac, and his brother did not stop from 10 a.m. – 9 p.m. except while we were driving in our vechicles from their moms house – to the storage building – to Atlanta – and then back home.  Saying that we literally worked our butts off would be an understatment.  Something along the lines of we practically killed ourselves would be more accurate.  Luckily we were determined to get it done as fast as possible, and we really did.  Unfortunetly there was a furniture casualty… the very expensive ottoman that was riding along with its matching chair flew right off the trailor and onto I-20 – without us even knowing until some (finally) got our attention and told us it flew off about 10 min. ago. Great! 

Although I feel very bad for Carmen (Macs mom) and all of the things that she has had to endure throughout the past couple of years, and this past year especially, I cannot help but to be annoyed with her attitude.  Let’s just say that we are very thankful that Macs sister is extremely wealthy (her and her husband are very successful – but they worked their butts off to get there).  She was been financially supporting Carmen for the last year, and what’s so sad is that there has been no appreciation shown.  I love Carmen to death, but I really do think she needs to personality and attitude adjusted. (Let’s hope she never reads this :[ )

Needless to say, I am very thankful that Sunday is now over and we have made it to Monday alive.  I am hoping for a very quick & fun week!

Me and my family will be leaving for New Hampshire next Wednesday and I could not be any more excited!  My older sister is graduating from college and we are throwing a huge party. Yay!

This picture about sums up our moving adventure

 -L

Questioning The Validity of Friendship/Venting :)

Most would assume that the validity of a friendship would not need to be questioned.  Isn’t the idea of friendship kind of black & white?  Well normally I would say yes.  If your “friend” treats you well, and like a friend “should”, than they are a friend to you (no ” ” needed).  I would agree with this theory (my own theory in fact) and fall back on this theory almost 100% of the time, except for when things happen that make you question their friendship-ness. 

An incident happenedlast night with my boyfriends “best friend”- who is also his house-mate, life long friend, and for all intents and purposes, his might-as-well-be-brother.  For the sake of privacy we’ll call him Mike.  Mike recently lost a family member who was also his boss and the only father-like-figure he had, we all figured it was going to kill him emotionally, but he seemed to keep it together pretty well, so we figured he was stronger emotionally than we thought he was.  It has now been a little over two months since the passing of his grandfather, and until last night, Mike has been incredibly strong. They say when it rains, it pours.  I couldn’t agree more.

Mac gets a call from Mikes mom saying that Mike has “hit a wall” and is “spinning out of control” and that it would be in his best interest to go back to their house to try and help him to emotionally and physically calm down.  At this point Mike had resorted to physically getting out his emotions.  Well as Mac is pulling up the drive way Mikes sister is leaving, Mac calls her and asks if everything is okay,  his sister than goes on to tell Mac “If ya didn’t know… we have family.”  Nothing like a knife to the chest!  His sister has been less of a family figure to him than Mac has and that is to say the least.  How devastating to Mac. 

Breakthrough.

This makes me question the validity of friendship for this reason.  Mikes girlfriend (who lives with Mike and Mac and Mikes sister) puts up a status on her Facebook saying “Wishes that friends could be FRIENDS!!!!!!”  So for the very few of us that are her friend (mainly me and Jessica) we are thinking “What the hell is that supposed to mean?!!?”  The only reason we even knew about what was going on with Mike is because Mac told us!  She didn’t ask us to help out, for all she knows, we didn’t even know about what happened!  Her putting that status up tell me that she is not the kind of friend that will ask for help when she needs it and either is Mike.  I’ve come to the realization that some “friends” are only friends when they need your help and support, and the rest of the time its “ta hell with ya.”

I may not have told this story in the best way possible.  This incidence did make me question the validity of the friendship between Mac and Mike and then also when Mikes girlfriend and me and Jessica, but while going back and reading what I’ve wrote, that message didn’t shine through.  I guess sometimes you just need to know the people to understand the true meaning behind an incidence.

Well if nothing else, at least I’ve accomplished this: “Lose 5 lbs. of “weight” off your chest”

On a totally different note.

This week has gone a little differently than I thought it would, but hey, it happens to the best of us.  For about two months know I have been in a very good routine of working out 4 days a week.  Monday nights I do the machines at the YMCA and then do the Spin Class.  Tuesday and Thursday morning at 6 a.m. I take a Power Class at Gold’s Gym and then Saturday I take the Kick Boxing Class at Gold’s Gym.  And occasionally I will also go the the YMCA one extra day and do a little cardio.  Well this week I have managed to do my normal Monday workout. Yup, that’s it. Shame on me!  I even feel fatter than normal lol.

Goal:  Next week work out four days minimum.

I’ll let you know how that goes.

-L

Reassurance. Searching…searching…searching…

I’m still struggling with what exactly it is that I want to talk about, possibly daily, in my blog.  All of my other blogs, including this one, have been based on random thoughts, rants, and frustrations. 

The blogs that I like to read are basically re-caps of what that person has done that day, or over the past couple of days.  Unluckily for me, my days are not that interesting.  I would not only bore myself by doing a re-cap of each day that passes, but I would also bore anyone who even attempted to read it.

Moving on.

I think about this often, but the most recent time was last night.  I was laying/sitting in my bed with my boyfriend next to me, he was watching T.V. and I was playing on my computer.  We do this often.  I began to think that we are way to young to be resorting to this sort of ritual more than once a week.  From there my thoughts/imagination went wild.  I thought back to the first year of our relationship (we are now three years deep!) and to how things were then.  The things we did, the way we acted toward each other and so on and so fourth.  Now I of all people know that things in a relationship are going to be different at the 3 year mark than the were at the 6 months or 1 year mark.  In a sense the excitement and butterflies of hanging out with the significant other aren’t going to necessarily be there all the time, or for that matter, often.  I will often do little things, or make little differences in my actions and behavior, when I “get down” about the differences in how things were and how things are now, towards Mac to see if he notices.  Now I do not do this to get attention by any means, I just like to see if he notices the “difference.”  Well we have a certain way that we like to lay together.  He lays on his back, I lay on my side next to him with my head on his chest, while he puts his arm around me.  We love this!  It is our special thing : )  Anyway, last night I scooted over on my bed just the slightest bit so that his shoulder was no longer touching me.  It only took him about 10 seconds to decide that he wanted to stretch, just enough so that his shoulder was once again, touching me.  So very unnoticeable I move over just the slightest bit more to where, once again, we are no longer touching.  And once again, he nonchalantly moves over to where we are.  I thought this was really funny so I kept up with it until he finally flung his arms around me, kissed me on the forehead, and told me to stay next to him!

This made me realize something very important.  Although guys, or Mac in particularly, may not always act excited or even like they really wantto be around us/me, that doesn’t mean that they/he doesn’t.  By him continuously moving to where we still had some physical contact showed me that he wanted me “by his side” and that he liked they way things are.  This may not make sense to anyone else or may not mean anything to anyone else.  But for us, me and Mac, it shows that “we’ve still got it!” and I love that.

“It is the little things in life that mean the most.”

I feel like I can truly vouch for that.

I’m still searching for what it is that will make my blog not only something special and meaningful for me to look back on, but also something that will draw others in. 

-L

I’m not all that odd. You’ve done it too.

Mistakes.  I think we all make them.  Some may make them more often than others, and some may be worse than others, but I think when it comes down to it, we all make them, we’ve all made them, and we will continue to do just that.  I believe that some mistakes are truly on accident and others are done consciously but at a point where you aren’t thinking about what the consequences will be.  We all have our explanations, excuses, and reasoning’s for what do but how do we decipher which mistakes should be forgiven and which ones should not?

I’ve made mistakes, and trust me, when I say plenty – that could very well be an understatment.  I make mistakes at work, I make mistakes at school, I make mistakes when I work out, and most importantly and unfortantly, I make mistakes in my relationship.  I guess we all have made mistakes in those areas.  Why do I feel so bad about it though? Why can I not find peace within this situation, and within myself?  I do not feel that I can forgive myself for the mistakes I have made over the years or even in just the past few years.  I carry them around on my shoulders, on my chest.  Some days I can physically feel that weight that I am lugging around.  Sometimes it’s hard to breath, to catch my breath, to fall asleep, to concentrate, to think about anything else.  When will it stop?!

The image you all may be seeing is that I’ve done something awful but that is not what image I want you to conjure.  I may have crossed a line, or a few lines but I have not done anything unforgivably terrible.  I’m pretty sure that I’m just too hard on myself about certain things, and I do not want to be this way, but I don’t know anything different.

Goal for self:  To quit being so hard on myself, to accept what mistakes I have made, and to never do them again.  Mistakes are made so we can learn from them, so we can grow from them.  I need to move on from the mistakes of the past and concentrate on a wonderful, bright, and beautiful future, regret free.

Please do not try to analyze my writing for this is nothing but a mere expression of the way I am feeling right this second.  I am not writing about one particular event or mistake, I am talking about this topic of mistakes as a whole.  I’m hoping that by writing out my feelings and current stresses, I will somehow have them lifted from me.  Maybe this is wishful thinking, but I figured it was worth a shot.

 

Wishing everyone a wonderful, peaceful, and enjoyable weekend full of love and laughter.

-L

p.s. depending on how the night goes, I may be back for another blog entry. We shall see : )

You’ve officially just gotten under my skin

I love my mom dearly.  She is my rock.  She is an awesome mom who is truly an inspiration to me…. when it comes to most things.

She is a smoker.  A smoker who has successfully quit several times for years at a time.  Then a bump comes along on her road and the first thing she turns to is her old-nasty-habit. I can handle and get over ever habit, personality trait, and mood that my mom has, but I cannot get over the fact that she puts forth no effort to quit smoking.  I view the people who have the habit of smoking as this: people who are knowingly and willingly harming their health, people who cannot defeat the addiction that is taking years off their life, people who would rather continue smoking and risk the possibility of being around to see their grandchildren.  I think the habit of smoking is selfish. 

My mom and I have a pretty regular discussion about her habit of smoking.  Here is a recap from our Saturday smoking discussion.

Setting:  We are in the car on the way to the nail place to get pedicures.  She is treating me to mine.  How nice of her!!  She had just smoked a cigarette before we got in the car to make the 2 mile trek to the nail place.

About one minute into the car ride my mom pulls out her cigurettes, lights one, then rolls down the window.

Me: Mom! You just barely had one.  Couldn’t you have at least waited until we got to the nail place to smoke so I don’t have to be around it?

Mom: This is my car, and I did NOT just have one.  I will quit soon.

Me:  Mom, you will not quit soon.  You have been telling me for the last 6 months that you are going to be quitting soon.  I really do not believe that you will.

Mom:  You have absolutely no faith in me.  Instead of being mean why don’t you just try being nice?!  You need to be less disrespectful.  Now who is paying for your pedicure?

Me:  Just because I told you that I do not think you will quit anytime soon, which I don’t think you will, does not mean that I am not respectful!  It just really bothers me that you would not sacrifice smoking for your children.  You are willingly killing yourself with this bad habit!

Mom:  Walking down the street can kill you, getting in the car can kill you, Libby will you ever realize that everyone has weaknesses and practically everything we do has a potential to kill us?

End of conversation.

So as you can see, this is a battle that I will not win.  Maybe she will quit soon.  I hope she will quit soon.  I will secretly believe that she will quit soon.  But ultimately, I do not know.  It is very frustrating to me that I cannot control this.  I am getting over it though.  I am thankful that she does not smoke in the house and that she usually does not smoke in the car I (or my sisters) are with her.

We all have weaknesses.  What are yours? Have you ever thought about the effect that your weakness has on the people that surround you?  Maybe you should.

Wishing the best of luck to anyone who is currently fighting “The Battle of The Cigarettes.”  And congratulations to all of those who have successfully quit smoking.

-L